ozblog2795

Sweetheart, love of my life, my true love.

My darling, I write this letter from the wonderful Great Barrier Reef. I’m rubbing my toes in talcum powder-soft white sand; turquoise water is just a minute away. Soon it will be dusk, cook will signal me and tell me dinner is served. Sweet white chilled wine, Barramundi and pineapple salad. A rare, thick steak, accompanied by a large Tasmanian-grown Idaho potato and King Island Cream, with a hint of chives and garlic and a sprinkle of gravy. Soon a trio of guitarists will serenade me and then I’ll slip inside for coffee, petit fours and port.

I will sorely miss you. But, my darling, in this day of a weakened dollar and a less than buoyant economy, I could not afford the extravagant Christmas gifts you wanted from me.

Yes, we laughed about those twelve gifts a lover sent to his lady. I would gladly have given them to you, but Marylee Evans, who is my accountant, costed them for me.

A Partridge in a pear tree.
My sweet. Uhuh! The only partridge that is capable of sitting in a tree, is the Keeling Partridge, found only in the hinterland of New Guinea and only in the highlands. The Papua New Guinea Government do sell a few, to boost its economy. $ 75,000 per bird. Then, there is the Pear Tree.

Now, to buy a pear tree at this time of year is a no go. I could, however have gotten a mature tree from Canberra’s Parks and Gardens Nursery. The cost, $15,000 plus excavation fees $2500 and transportation fees from Canberra to Sydney at $300 per hour – a journey taking six hours, given the drivers must rest every hour and the speed limit of timber jiggers, 40 miles per hour. Insurance on the birds and tree ( and any fruit) $950.

Two Turtle Doves
Well, my sweet, as rare as hens’ teeth, we could of course have gone for the common white pigeon, not good enough, I said. Then Marylee hit on the idea of the Victorian Turtle dove, found only in the exclusive suburbs of Toorak, in Melbourne. A pigeon pair - $3500 plus $950 insurance.

Three French Hens.
I’m not sure, my sweet, whether or not you wanted them imported from France. I think, yes. Now, this was tough call but in speaking with the French Embassy and after a glass or three of imported real Champagne, yes,we could import three French Hens from Toulouse sur-de Riviere at a cost of $1500 per bird. Plus Export/Import Tax, let’s say. $2500 Oh! my dear one, I forgot. Quarantine. The Australian Government had offered to waive the quarantine period for a ten percent levy on the cost. So, we have $4500 plus $2500, that’s $4700 plus ten percent = $470. But, they’re for you, my love.

Four Calling Birds
Oooh! This is a toughie. Actually, they’re called culling birds, a sort of avian ‘put-the-cat-amongst-the-pigeons’. Regard the culling bird as a cat.
Available from Indonesia at $5000 each plus the Australian government Quarantine levy, you guessed it, sweet, and ten per cent. All up. $22,000.

Five Golden Rings
Ah, dear one, you nearly caught me out there. From whence do good golden rings come from. Marylee suggested, and she is the accountant, to talk with Paddy O’Byrne, in Kalgoorlie, that’s in Western Australia, dear. He will mine the gold and have them made into rings. All for, wait for it. A bargain! $950,000.

Six Geese A Laying
Oh dear! We’ve missed the season. No! wait. Marilee’s cousin, Georgina Busch, who lives in Texas, can get for Texan Honking Geese, all ready to lay. Georgina can get them to us for $7000 per bird. Plus import/export tax and quarantine levy, this time twenty percent, because of rarity of the geese. So that’s $42,000 plus another $420.

Seven Swans A Swimming.
Sweetheart! Surprise. No import tax or quarantine. We can get those wonderful black swans over from Western Australia – but on loan for a year only. I know how quickly bored you get, my darling, so this is ideal. We hire them at $100 per swan per week for 52 weeks so for a mere $700 a week, we could do it. Hire of the pond, let’s say, Centennial Park, in Sydney. $300 for the year. Wow!

Eight Maids A Milking
Oooh! This is so easy. Lars Hansen, our Dairy Farmer has released his milkmaids for the Christmas vacation – six weeks. We can hire the maids at $350 per maid per week for six weeks. A mere $2800. Now for six weeks, we are looking at, $16,800. A bargain.

Nine Ladies Dancing.
You caught me out here. But Marylee, what a clever little accountan she is. Came to the rescue. They are Actors Equity Members, and all have appeared on So you Think you Can Dance. What a present for you.

Now, nine members dancing for you, for the day. Double time for holidays. Each Member on $90 per hour, minimum eight hours, we can get them at $720 each and nine hours each, yes! $6480. Oh! I forgot, a ten percent Christmas Day loading.

Ten Lords A Leaping
Now darling, do you want members of the British Aristocratic Olympic Leaping Team, the whole ten. You’ve got them for a cool $2m. This covers airfares to Australia, accommodation (5-star) and a three-week package tour to the Great Outback. $2M, darling. Oh what a Christmas.

Eleven Pipers Piping.
Only the best for you my love, and what a deal I snatched. Imagine this, eleven pipers piping. They’re all the way from Scotland, isn’t this great.
And on top of this,

Twelve Drummers Drumming

I can procure the best from the Royal Marines, The USMC, The Canadian and Australian Navies. All for. That’s pipers ‘n all. Eight Million dollars. Fantastico. Oh! and of course, I’d pay Marilee’s Fees. $1988 – the year of her birth, imagine that?

PS: Eleven million dollar, on birds, pipers, milkmaids and bloody lousy musicians, no darling, I don’t think so. So I hope you’ll enjoy my gift to you, a year’s subscription to Readers’ Digest.

Oh! Marylee, who is also enjoying, this break wants to know, if she can handle your tax next financial year.

Love

Alfredo.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS